I-N-S-O-M-N-I-A-C ~ 12:20am.

Everyone knows you do your best writing when you’re tired.

I haven’t slept in about three days. Tired enough?

You should go see a doctor.

I don’t have time to go see a doctor. Remember, I made the resolution to start trying harder in school?

You have time to do other things.

Such as?

You see your friends, you do things with them.

Bus rides, free block, Saturday nights. Things I’m not willing to give up for something as trivial as a doctor’s appointment.

Do you like being this way?

Maybe I do. Insomnia gives me something to define myself by.
I am an insomniac.

You know you’ve been less like you lately.

I know. I know. I haven’t been very nice to be around.

Your friends, they don’t really care that much.

Yes they do, yes they do. Shut up.

They didn’t say it, but they were thinking it.

Shut up.

Slut.

Shut up.

Remember? “I can never look at your right again?” What was that all about?

They were joking around, they were joking around.

You know they meant it. They don’t understand you.

Well can I expect them to? I’m pretty fucked up.

You’re not that fucked up.

No, I guess not.

You’re a bitch, but you’re not that fucked up.

I’m not a bitch. Shut up, I try to be a nice person.

You fail.

Shut up.

You’re a bitch and you’re a slut and you’re stupid.

I’m not stupid. I make A’s and B’s.

What about Human Bio?

One C. One C. I’ll get it up before the quarter ends.

You have less than two weeks left in the quarter.

I know, but I can do it.

You can’t do it.

Shut up, yes I can.

You know you can’t.

Shut up.

You’re not going to make A/B honors and then you’re mother is going to flip out and she’s going to take away your computer and your phone and then guess who’s going to be hanging around more than usual?

I’m not listening to you, I’m not listening to you.

Me.

Dear gods, I hate you.

See, bitch.

See, look, now I’m crying.

You’re weak and pathetic. You cry about everything.

I don’t cry about anything.

Yes you do. You cry when you miss C and you cry when I’m talking to you.

No one even has to know about that.

They wouldn’t care, even if they did.

Yes, they would.

Even if they did, they wouldn’t say anything.

No. I know that.

She read everything you wrote and she didn’t even ask you if you were okay.

It’s not her fault. She’s not into confrontations.

People who are practically strangers asked if you were okay.

It’s not her fault. She’s one of my best friends. Shut up.

You’re slipping into it again.

I know.

He’ll notice if you scratch your arm up again.

I know, I’m not planning on it.

You will, you know you will.

I can try not to.

Your attempts have always failed in the past.

Shut up. I can do this. I can be happy.

You’re never happy.

Shut up.

When was the last time you were really happy?

This afternoon. Callback.

Really?

I was tired, but I was happy. I just worked out. I’m happier after I work out.

You didn’t even eat dinner.

Shut up. Doesn’t matter.

You didn’t eat lunch either.

There was nothing I wanted.

You did this yesterday too.

I was home alone.

It’s good you’re not eating. Finally shed that weight.

Shut up. I know that’s not okay.

Of course it’s not okay. Since when have you let that stop you?

Please shut up. I just want to get some sleep.

I-N-S-O-M-N-I-A-C

I know. I know.

You can even get the basics of being a human down. Sleeping, eating.

I’m not even listening to you anymore.

You don’t have a choice, I’m in your head. I’m in your dreams, I’m in your words.

I’m more than that.

Heh. More than that? You’re nothing but words and pretty pictures.

I like my pictures. But they’re not me.

Then what are you?

I don’t know.

See? You don’t even know what you are.

I’m confused, I’m tired, and now I’m upset. Thank you.

You’re welcome.

A Quick Note~

This blog has existed for exactly one year.

I’ve changed so much… My older posts are so… juvenile.

Thanks for reading. Keep reading. Or not, I can’t really force you.

Peace (☮) & love (♥) & happiness (☺) & all that jazz (ॐ).

It’s Happy Song Time!

For some reason this afternoon I got really motivated and did something I pretty much never do (in fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever done it), I got home and did all my homework. At home. 90% of the time with homework assignments I either:
a. Don’t do it.
b. Do it during free block/early block/bus rides/advisory/class.
Well, not this time. I’m making an effort in school, from this point forward **pounds fist on table in very matter-of-fact manner**

The song Elias from Dispatch went in my happy song playlist today. It makes me almost as happy as Knights of Bostonia (State Radio).
Among my other “happy songs”:
The Twitter Song- Ingrid Michaelson
Sugar Magnolia- The Dead
Jesus of Suburbia- Green Day
White Room- Cream
Dear Prudence- Beatles
Here Comes the Sun- Beatles
La Vie Boheme- RENT
Keep in mind that these aren’t necessarily “happy” songs, but they make me happy.

Today I helped Alice figure out the beginning to Back In Black on her guitar. It was… interesting. See, I don’t play the guitar, I just know the chord names.
We also did an interesting duet type thing with Good Riddance, which I sort of harmonized with. My harmonizing skills leave something to be desired… But by a couple run throughs we sounded kind of okay I guess. We’ve been getting along lately. I mean, it’s not like we’re fighting all the time but usually we just don’t get along all too well.

I steeped the Jasmine tea I was drinking for way too long and now it’s quite bitter. I don’t really mind I guess, I like strong tea.

On a side note- I haven’t really slept in about three days. Damnit.

Bus Rides, Holden Caulfield, Music, & Insomnia.

On the bus this afternoon I noticed a girl with the insides of her arms slit up. Not terribly, they weren’t hash jobs, but there were some definite slices. I wanted to go up to her and tell her that she doesn’t need to do that to herself but I knew this girl in middle school and she’s the kind of person who would tell me to “fuck off”. She needs… someone though.

In English class we were learning about the 50’s and it was disgusting how little the people in my class knew about things like Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the holocaust, music. It was pathetic. See, we started reading Catcher In The Rye (side note- Holden Caulfield is strikingly similar to C), and I quite like it as of yet. It’s this stream-of-consciousness writing style which I’ve always really enjoyed reading. I hope the end assignment for this book is some sort of creative writing assignment… We haven’t done one yet this year, which is unfortunate because that’s kind of my strong point.

In French class my friend and I discussed music and whether Dispatch or State Radio was better. We decided that certain parts of each band were good, and they were equal.

I gave Jazz a sparkly, princess doorbell today and she was giddy about it all day long. It made me happy.

In the winter my family keeps the house at 50 degrees. If we get cold we turn it up to 60. It stays 50 during the day when no one’s home and at night though, so it’s pretty much always freezing. I don’t really mind too much. The cold is my friend.

I drew daisy chains and dinosaurs all over my math homework. EE drew a shark eating a cupcake, and this conversation happened:
“Sharks don’t eat cupcakes.”
“Yes they do, silly!”
Heh. Oh… my Geometry class XD.

I’m not sleeping, again. My insomniatic musings riddle the insides of notebooks kept on my desk. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, but then again, some of my best writing happens at 2am.

A Day.

The first day back from school is always the worst.

I was up until about 2am last night. Talking to C and then writing some letters and then cleaning a little.

School was… bleh. Started with a stairwell conversation with Maxie and Jazz. Jazz and I walked around a bit. We had a guest speaker in Chinese- his name was Jude and he was pretty cool. He was a vegetarian unfortunately, which made his Chinese food stories really boring.

Free block… Just hanging out. Normal free block stuff.

In personal fitness we learned all about our diets how unhealthy the United States is. It was a little depressing.

Sue gave me a ride home; now I’m watching NCIS. Hehe. I love this show. It’s fantastic.

I didn’t really realize how beat up my shins were until I put on athletic shorts. It hurt too, I ran into a good few things over the course of the day.

Also- Nonnie and I solved the mystery of the odd cuts and bruises. It’s the gremlins. They stole the leeks as well. If anyone knows how to get rid of them, please contact me.

Me… A Long Time Ago.

Words used to come easily.
Fall off fingertips like sunshine into water.

Forced– jagged. Cliffs.

I miss seventh grade. Everything I thought was complicated was actually ridiculously simple.

I put my ring on my finger again. It put me in pain last time- I’m well aware of that. I don’t really care. I need something constant.

My knees are stiff.

You can see the floor in my bedroom now- something that has been impossible for almost a month.

I found pictures of me when I was small. Round copper glasses, almost Harry Potter-esque. Black turtle neck sweater, knee length gray skirt, nylons, & pumps. Dear gods. I have changed, haven’t I?

One and One and One is Three…

Snow falls and it is beautiful.
My fingers are ice cubes and I can’t even feel my toes.
My window is wide open- as always.
I have Tibetan prayer flags hanging from a wall, cutting right above a Janis Joplin poster and a painting of an iris.
I found monogrammed tissues on my floor and the only thing I could think was “Why would anyone ever want monogrammed tissues?“

“Take these sunken eyes and learn to see…“

I remember when I was younger and I thought I hated the Beatles. I had a friend and all they ever played was “Yellow Submarine” and I hated that song so much. I assumed because I hated that, I hated the Beatles. One in the same, right? I didn’t actually start listening to them until I saw “Across The Universe”. My mother was a Dead Head and my dad listened to Reggae. I was exposed to some, but definitely not enough of the Beatles. Something many people disagree with me on- their music got a hell of a lot better after they started doing drugs. They went from the pop stuff like “I Want To Hold Your Hand” to things like “Across the Universe” and “Strawberry Fields”. It half makes me wish Hannah Montana would take some LSD. Maybe then her songs would be decent. Is that a terrible thing to say? (Probably.)

I cleaned out my bookshelves today. I brought things like “Twilight” and “Hello Kitty’s Manner Book” into the loft. I don’t want this stuff in here. I took a copy of Pride & Prejudice. I found a copy of a play I performed a scene from in acting class last year (I never returned it). Elementary school year books and middle school class photos. I laugh at how everyone looks almost the same. We all think we’ve changed so much and some of us have. But for most- the straight hair and excessive eye makeup- nothing is different.

My fingers are cold, fortunately I don’t mind. I love that cold.

“Well it only goes to show…”

Musings… and… What? I’m Tired.

- Sometimes life is really perfect and sometimes it’s really not.

- It’s never the drop that kills us, but the sudden stop at the end.

- Sometimes I’ll write the alphabet, over and over. How I want my handwriting to look. My current handwriting is a little to bubbly and a little too… girly. Too weird. I want pretty artsy handwriting like EE’s. I admire handwriting.

- My shins are killing me. Bruises and overworked muscle= bad combination.

Mysterious Cuts and Bruises.

Sometimes I do really stupid stuff.
Nonnie had a party today and lots of people were there.
At one point the lights in her room were turned off, there were three couples who (I believe) were all actively making out, Greenie (Maxie was downstairs), Circe, and I  were just kind of sitting there. For some reason I had a pair of scissors in my hand. I didn’t even notice I was doing it, but my thumbs are hash jobs now. :/. I also successfully exploded one bottle of seltzer… I have talent.
We watched Sleeping Beauty and it was fun. The car ride home my finger tips were ice and I hit my head on the car door. Blood ran down my jaw bone and when I got home and looked in the mirror it was almost like someone had painted it there.
I have an unparallel ability to injure myself/make huge messes. My parents want to put a video camera in my room so they can figure out why it always looks like a hurricane went through, even just a day after I cleaned it.
I would also like to know  how I get bruises… so easily. I mean, some of them are explainable. I bruise easily. I also wake up with mysterious bruises covering my forearms and my shins. Bleh. Maybe I’m like, a really active sleeper. I’m fighting all the pirates and ninjas in my sleep and I’m actually hitting the wall and my bed posts and my dresser. Yeah!
…Only, my parents room is right on the other side of the wall and you’d think one of them might notice that… Ah well.

Tired… Energy= 0.

Woke up- went skiing.
The snow was pretty great. I had some thoughts:
- Do not stand in the middle of the ski run. It pisses people (like me) off.
- Do not run into people. It hurts.
- Stop skiing backwards. You do not look cool, you look like an idiot.
…anyway. That’s about that for that.

I then went to C’s house and we watched Donnie Darko which I didn’t exactly understand. After all that my family went out to dinner. Now I’m watching TV and being a potato. Because I can. Hah.

And I am too tired to form sentences.